Let’s be real, what your wine says about you says a lot. Way more than your Instagram bio ever could. This is the no-filter, slightly offensive take on what your fave drop from our Essentials Collection says about you...with love, obviously. x
Pinot Noir
You’re lowkey mysterious in the way people on Hinge say they’re “between jobs” (either really green or red flag).
You interrupt your own sentences with new thoughts.
You love a cheeky IG story and will 100% leave it up just to see who watches.
You’re deep, in a cool way. You romanticise small things, cry at random songs, and once said ‘im just in my reflective era’ with a straight face.
You definitely drink alone and listen to lana, and you pretend to hate Sabrina Carpenter.
Chardonnay
You peaked in high school. But like… in a hot way. You’re clean girl-coded with chaos energy under the surface. People think you’re wholesome but you have three burner IG accounts, sometimes you cry over how much you love your besties, and once soft-blocked your ex before they could do it to you.
You say you don’t start drama or gossip, but your wine says otherwise.
Moscato
You have no idea what a tannin is, and to be frank you don’t give a shit to find out.
You’re the fun one. The one who never really left high school, just started dressing boujie.
You somehow have 5,498 friends and they all show up to your birthday every year.
People say you should go on Love Island, not for the romance but for the entertainment value.
You’re absolutely guilty of a boomerang cheers with the caption “weekend loading.”
And when it comes down to it, you are the reason the night goes from wine to shots.
Honestly? We love that for you.
And maybe one day you’ll grow up. But not this weekend.
Shiraz
You’re the friend who arrives late, leaves early, and somehow knows everyone’s secrets by the end of the night. You have enemies, and that’s fine with you.
You’re into slow burns, dramatic exits, and red wine with serious depth (even if you don’t finish the bottle).
What your wine says about you: I’m intense. I’m irresistible. And I will ruin your life just a little… but you should thank me for it.
You like to tell people that you drink shiraz, it surprises them and they are instantly more intimidated by you.
Sauvignon Blanc
You are the Type B friend. Chaotic but chill, unhinged but somehow always the peacemaker.
You float through life on vibes alone. You’re always late, but you arrive with wine, so all is forgiven. You once booked flights mid-brunch. You’re either texting back in 0.3 seconds or going off-grid for three days with no explanation.
You call it “intuitive.” Everyone else calls it “classic you.”
You’re allergic to stress, obsessed with spontaneity, and you will 100% switch outfits three times before leaving the house and still forget your keys.
What your wine says about you:
Plans? Overrated. Vibes? Everything.
Bubbles
You don’t mix drinks, you don’t do chaos, and you absolutely do not get hangovers.
You’re the person who stays on bubbles all night and somehow makes it to 7am pilates… glowing.
You were blessed in the gene pool and possibly the trust fund department too, or at least you make it look like that.
Your skin is always dewy. Your blowout never drops. And your vibe? Soft, warm, generous… almost suspiciously so.
Everyone wants to hate you, but you’re just too nice.
